First off, as of today, we are 15 days away from the 1 year anniversary of my first review: Saint's Row. Just felt like mentioning that since today's game is similar to Saint's Row. It has driving in a free roam environment...and uh, "bling" and well, it's about Pimping, so I'm sure it also has pornstars, fluffers, 'hos, big purple hats, and things going on in the backseat of a car. Right?
No? Pimp My Ride has NONE of that but Saint's Row does? Alright, so what do they have in common?
Cars. That's it. Saint's Row has a more authentic "street" experience then this game. When a game that allows you to make a pasty white guy with asthma and a poor complexion join an inner-city street gang has more of a "street" experience then you, there's something wrong. Like Red Dwarf: Back to Earth sort of wrong.
The "wrong" in this case is that Pimp My Ride does not involve actually pimping. That might actually have been an interesting game. Nope, instead this is a game based directly off of Pimp My Ride, the MTV show that features Xzibit taking crappy rides of photogenic, average kids in LA and taking them to the garage to get PIMPED! This process usually involves a new paint job, a new engine, custom details based off of the kids interest, a sharp spike in their insurance rate and then their ride gets stolen because they live in LA, driving a PIMPED out ride. I really want to see a Pimp My Ride follow up special.
The Studio That Is RESPONSIBLE THIS
Eutechnyx, a European game developer. That's ironic because "bling" in Europe is straight teeth. I keed, I keed. I love Europe. They gave us X-Blades. No, what makes Eutechnyx special is that their specialty is racing games. Big Mutha Truckers, Fast and Furious, and another 360 title they are responsible for: Hot Wheels: Beat That! This falls under "facts Dog wishes he knew before playing this game."
For your personal amusement, a direct quote from the Eutechnyx website, I suggest you don't take that sip of coffee just yet, wait until after you read this so you don't spit it over your keyboard:
Our driving and racing game technology is respected throughout the gaming industry. We have particular expertise in high level mathematics and physics, essential in recreating the complex dynamics of vehicle movement.
Just keep this quote in mind. I'll refer back to it in about 500 words.
I've put off the actual game discussion long enough, so here's the plot. You're a "Pimp in the Making" in Pimp City that has to Pimp Out rides for photogenic, generic teenagers in Pimp City. Xzibit is on hand to guide you through the process, because when you think Pimp, you think Xzibit and not, say, Snoop Dogg, or Ice-T, both of whom really were Pimps.
Anyone else find it ironic that Ice-T plays a cop on Law and Order: SVU now? Just me? The guy that rapped "F*ck the police" and all? No? Alright, moving on then before I really start dating myself.
For the record, this is a Pimp:
This is a Pimp:
And this is even a Pimp:
This is NOT a Pimp:
In order to Pimp Rides, you have two game phases. The Cash Roam, and the Pimping Phase. In Cash Roam, you get to drive around Pimp City, breaking billboards, parking meters, collecting cash tokens and Ghost Riding Your Whip.
Ahem. For the white boys in the audience, or those that don't watch Girls Next Door like I do and missed the episode with Kendra (the Hood Bunny) explaining what "Ghost Ride Your Whip" is, here's a definition from UrbanDictionary:
Ghost Ride The Whip - To "ghost ride" or "ghost riding" is when a driver places his car in neutral, or cruises at a low speed approx. 5-10 mph everyone in the vehicle opens all the doors and walks along side the car, steps on the hood or the roof of the car while dancing to heart pounding rap music.
"Ghost riding" was invented in the Country Club Crest of Vallejo, Ca by rap artist: J Diggs, then was popularized by E 40 in his hit video "Tell me when to go". The "REAL" Ghost ridn' can be seen on "Treal Tv #2", J Diggs shows where it came from and how to "ghost ride your whip.
Ghost riding started off as a neighborhood expression, then later a city thing, to a Bay Area thing, now a worldwide expression of having fun and has become the culture of many youth in today's world starting from the Bay Area in Northern California
In the game? You have two variations of Ghost Ride. One is called "Ghost Ride Your Whip" and you have to follow a series of button presses on the screen. It gets more complicated as you go, but not by much. The best part is seeing your character actually dance. When that's the best part, you know I'm really stretching for a compliment.
The other Ghost Ride variation is called Hot Steppin'. You press the A button when it passes through the bar at the bottom of the screen. That's it. Moving on!
So once you finish the Cash Roam, which is boring as all get out, you get to PIMP that Ride! In 2 minutes! There's a two minute timer that is merciless. Jabootu help you if you want to get a perfect pimp. That involves finding the "Secret" supplier during the cash roam, finding his shop in the Pimp phase, succeeding in all of Xzibit's challenges (which are "Get to this spot in 30 secs" events, transporter times in Red Faction Guerrilla are more merciful then these events!) AND getting to the supply shops in time. HAVE FUN!
Oh crap. I forgot to mention the "Please the Crowd" event in Cash Roam. You press buttons that appear on screen. See a pattern?
Of course the real crime with this gameplay, beyond the brutal time limit for Pimping, is that it NEVER changes. You always do the same things, for every car. This game repeats itself more then Andrew Dice Clay and his one joke.
As promised, remember that Eutechnyx quote referring to their specialty in driving physics and control? I really wonder what game they were talking about because in this one, the control sucks. You drive so fast that you feel out of control. Your car can not go over the smallest of bumps. This will get annoying. I promise. In fact, this one little control issue almost brings the whole game down, but when you're already in the lowest circle of hell, that doesn't mean much.
YO! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BLACKS AND THE BROWNS!
WHY THE HATE? YOU REMEMBER THE END OF THAT MOVIE SAW, WHERE THOSE TWO DUDES WERE DYING AND THE MAASTERMIND WAS LYIN' THERE THE WHOLE TIME?
We get it. Kill Whitey. Now shut up and switch to the othe...oh. my. god. There's one song? Per section? And each section has...three cars to Pimp...oh god....hey wait a minute, the song restarted once I got done with the event and...NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BLACK AND THE BROWN! I'M A WHITE DUDE FROM SUBURBIA! BOW BEFORE ME AND MY LACK OF ATHLETIC ABILITY!
Knock off all signs/parking meters/coins, finish all levels, complete all Cruisin' events, Perfect Pimp all Cars.
What? PERFECT PIMP ALL CARS!?